Probably Nothing by Lauren Bravo

Author:Lauren Bravo
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster UK
Published: 2024-07-04T00:00:00+00:00

* * *

‘You can’t go for Christmas, that’s insane,’ said Marco.

‘I know, I know. Obviously it’s ridiculous,’ said Bryony. She paused. ‘But theoretically, out of interest – why not?’

‘Because it’s Christmas,’ said Marco, as though that settled it. Marco could be oddly traditional about some things.

In fact, he’d invited her to spend Christmas with his family every year for the past four that they’d been living together. Bryony had always declined because she assumed he didn’t really mean it. She wondered now if he had.

‘Exactly, and Christmas is a time to welcome in waifs and strays,’ she said. ‘I think it would make Ann genuinely happy to have me there.’

‘You’re not a waif. And you’re not making Ann genuinely happy, you’re making Ann fraudulently happy.’

Bryony bristled at this. ‘How dare you say I’m not a waif.’ She brushed quiche crumbs off her jumper. ‘I’ve been feeling terrible lately, you know that.’

‘I’m sorry to shit all over your Dickensian invalid fantasies, but having a dicky tummy for a few weeks does not mean you qualify for the biggest turkey in the window of Buckton’s butcher shop,’ said Marco.

‘It’s more than a dicky tummy, Marco. I feel horrendous. Like my whole body is shutting down. I’m bone-tired – like, abnormally tired. The doctor referred me for a blood test but said it was probably just stress. They always say it’s fucking stress. As though that solves anything.’

‘There is one answer you don’t seem to have considered,’ he said.

‘Therapy?’ said Bryony.

‘No. Well, yes, you should absolutely have therapy. But I was going to say, maybe you’re pregnant.’

Time stopped. The word shuddered through her. Bryony punched him, hard, on the arm.

‘Why the fuck would you say that?’

‘Because you might be! It’s not an insult, it’s a genuine possibility. Isn’t it?’

She shook her head. ‘I haven’t slept with anyone except Ed for months and we always used condoms. It was one of the things I liked about him, actually – that I never needed to ask. He never did the sulky thing, the “ugh, I suppose if I must” thing. He was always there, popping it on quite willingly, before I even had to say. Like he was just delighted to make a dent in his supply.’

‘I bet Ann bought him a massive box of them from Costco.’

‘Stop it!’

‘Oh Ed,’ sighed Marco. ‘A moment of silence for your conscientiousness. For being a good egg… man.’

They paused, heads bowed, presumably both grappling with the same mental image. When the moment had passed, Marco said, ‘You could still be pregnant though. Condoms are famously not one-hundred percent effective.’

‘Famously?’

‘It’s how Emma Geller-Green was conceived on Friends.’

‘Oh. I thought maybe it was part of your veterinary knowledge,’ she said, distractedly. She was running through a list as though it were a cursed memory game, eyes swivelling in a bad imitation of a soap opera epiphany. Nausea. Fatigue. Lightheadedness.

‘Animals don’t use contraception, Brian.’

‘Aha. Right. Of course.’ She swallowed down the bitter saliva that had pooled in her cheeks.

Nausea. Fatigue. Lightheadedness. Peeing all the time.

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